Brokenness Devotional

Day 22: Brokenness healed

Jeremiah 17:14

“Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; Save me and I will be saved, For You are my praise.”

         At this point within your journey of connecting to the Lord, the likelihood of your need for healing is becoming obvious. There is likely something deep within you that needs healing or restoration. Maybe it is a relationship, a sin, a repetitive sin you are struggling with, something someone did to you, something you did to someone else, or any number of different things we encounter in this fallen world. Regardless of what it is you may have a disagreement or misunderstanding with God that needs to be worked out before you continue moving forward.

         This one thing may be keeping you away from Him, or even what has kept you away from Him. It can even be grounded in our limited capacity to understand what God is doing or why He is doing things that drives a deeper wedge between you and Him. There are so many possibilities here they are almost endless to define. There are people that have been so hurt by life they just do not like God.

         You may be one of those people and you just do not see the beauty that surrounds you every day. All these situations and scenarios are completely okay. It just is not okay to stay in those places within your heart. So, what do we need to do? Wrestle with the Lord.

         Let’s elaborate. Wrestling with the Lord is to work out our misunderstandings or emotions with His truths. Yet, that must come with some basic understandings that the scripture above states as simple fact. Heal me and I am healed. Save me and I am saved. These things only come from the Lord of all Creation, and we must praise Him for these things. This is a simple fact.

         But…How…Nah… that’s not possible. The hurt is too deep, the pain is too much, and He just does not understand… Are you sure about this? Well, He took my spouse from me- He was not married. So, He cannot know my pain. This is a part of my deepest hurt as I was left with two girls to raise on my own… Yet, He left a part of Himself behind to come here on our behalf to then be crucified on a cross- murdered for His “bride…” He has healed me because I have wrestled with Him in the quiet confines of my inner room. It took me over three years to find that healing. Hopefully, for you healing can come faster because of His work in my life.

         We often tell ourselves that He lived 2000 years ago and He is not walking in the same world we do now… there is no way He can relate to this pain, or this situation because it is so different. Well, we all want to feel like our situation is unique and that we can harbor our own feelings about it without accountability to our own reactions. We use our experiences to justify our actions, and we do not go to Him or His word to seek the knowledge to respond biblically. We go to counselors or friends to seek counsel and placate/justify our feelings. This is where if we begin to trust the process and seek His heart, we find ourselves at the crossroads of dealing with those deepest hurts or sins. Chances are those are starting to come to the surface as you spend more time with Him. Now it is time to reject passivity and start hitting those things head on with Him.

Dear Heavenly Father,

         Thank You for the truth in Your Word today. You tell me that if You heal me, I will be healed, and that if You save me, I am saved. This assurance of Your power is refreshing. You made this claim far before Jesus showed up in the world as You knew that this was true from the beginning of all creation. Your power has always been present. Yet, in all honesty, I have doubted it so much. The truth is at times I still doubt that I will ever overcome this grief or anguish over my situation. Lord, I want to be healed and to be saved from this mess of my life. I know it is going to take time, and I do not need to run from it anymore. I must trust You with it and take You at Your Word that You will heal and save me from the depths of my brokenness. Jesus, I know You were broken for me. I understand that from Your work on the cross that You have forgiven me. Thank You for these truths, now may I wrestle with You to work these things out in my life. I submit to Your authority, but we have got to address these issues for us to move forward. Thank You for the healing that You promise is coming. Thank You for the saving You have already done in my life. I do not understand it all, but I know Your Word is true. Thank You Jesus, Amen.

At this point- If you need to address Jesus with the truth of your situation. You are encouraged to really let it all loose and talk to Him. Be broken before Him and tell Him the truth of how you feel. He is a big enough God to handle it. However, remember your place… ultimately, all we are is dust and ash formed into a body that He gave life to in this world. He created us with a purpose, and we have to trust that is true too… but do not hold on to the struggle and allow His healing to come through being honest with Him… You will be better for it…

Day 23: Depths of my Brokenness

Psalm 88:16 NASB

You have removed lover and friend far from me; My acquaintances are in a hiding place.

         When I finally put my faith to the fullness of the test- that is going to the inner room for healing- it took me over two months to finally find the explanation for what I had experienced and felt in my life. I had read through the book of Job seeking wisdom and counsel that was not coming through counseling. I started Psalms and realized that I needed to be seeking the Lord increasingly as I wrestled with God over the isolation I was feeling and the truth of my situation.

         At this point, you likely do not know my story. In a nutshell- I had been a Christ follower for over 20 years. My bride was taken from me (I like to think I presented her to the Lord, He graciously accepted the offering, and said good job son…) due to a rare form of cancer. I was left with two young girls to raise on my own, 7 and 10. I was an elementary educator working in a lonely female dominated world, which was somewhat helpful, but at the same time incredibly isolating. I felt like NO ONE could understand my situation or the hurt that was within me. I had pushed everyone away from me over the two and half years since my wife had passed and was self-isolated to the point of complete breakdown and brokenness. Yet, no one knew about it, but God.

         God revealed to me in a man that I deeply respected at the time in a similar walk of life, that if I continued down the road I was walking, I could get to a point where I did not want to exist anymore. I simply could not fathom walking any further down that road. So, I put my faith to the test of truly seeking God with my WHOLE HEART. Sacrificing my sleep to seek Him. Two months in, I came across this verse and had my first true moment of “God gets me…He gets me in my brokenness and pain”

         God had removed my love from me… AND at the time of coming across this verse… Everyone, including much of my family had just forgotten my birthday… I was in a pit of despair and did not know what to do to find healing. I had avoided emotional pain and anguish for so long, I had allowed my own sin of self-reliance to drive me into a deep valley of despair, and no one was around to know about it. I had friends, but they were hidden from me. I had created the brokenness that was surrounding me and God LET ME do it…

         “But… doesn’t He love me???”

         “Yep. He sure does!”

                 I know what you are thinking, “Wait- that does seem unloving… for all of that to happen to you and for God to leave your daughters without a mom…”

I completely agree with your thoughts right now and I understand that this verse is not easy to comprehend. That’s just it, this verse is the final verse in one of the most depressing laments in all of scripture. It is how Psalm 88 ends… IT IS NOT EVEN PRAISING THE LORD… but it gave me permission to wrestle with Him. I had to know significantly more about the writer of this Psalm- I needed to know everything about this situation. The evidence of what we know here is limited to the fact it was written by one of David’s mighty men and that it is a powerful lamenting of the valleys we experience in our lives.

         Walking with God is not an easy calling. It is not all prosperity. It is not all sunshine and rainbows. Job’s life teaches us these truths and then seeing it again in a different context helped me eventually find healing, but I had to deal with the depths of my own brokenness and wrestle with God. While I was not angry with Him, I did not understand Him and His ways.

         Unfortunately, I still do not understand. Simply because His ways are significantly higher than I could possibly understand! BUT, I trust Him, and I have found deep healing…it ended up taking about six months of truly wrestling and seeking Him with everything I had and persists to this day. This is how I know YOUR healing can and will come IF you persist in pursuing God with your whole heart. Get real with Him and be real with yourself. Instead of counting the cost- consider the investment in your relationship with Jesus. I know I did, and it has made ALL the difference!

Dear Heavenly Father,

         Thank You for the real brokenness contained within our lives. I do not understand it. I do not want to be thankful for it, but in reading today’s scripture, I realize that brokenness is a byproduct of following You. I am not sure I like it, but I guess I must trust in Your process. Help me understand it better, even though I may never fully get it. Reveal Your beauty in my brokenness. Jesus, this one is above my head. Please search me and help me find the healing You have promised will come. I know walking with You I will have trouble in this world, but I trust in Your promise that You have overcome the world. Thank You Jesus, Amen.

Day 24: All is righteous, All is kind…

Psalm 145:17 NASB

The Lord is righteous in all His ways,

And kind in all His works.

         What does the word all mean? All means all, in total, everything, no small detail is missed, everything is complete. It is an absolute truth. A completeness that cannot be changed. The Lord is righteous in ALL His ways.

         And righteous- very good, excellent, justified, morally sound, virtuous. The Lord is RIGHTEOUS in ALL His ways… Every path the Lord puts in front of us that He intends on us traveling is one that has a goodness that we cannot fathom in the moment- or can we?

         Kindness is one of the words that many people mistakenly interpret. It is often only associated with positive actions. It is the expression of compassion and love, a benevolent behavior of a person or people. The Lord is KIND in ALL His works… Is He?

         I personally wrestled with this and the fact that He chose to break me. God called my bride back home to Him. Choosing to leave my daughters without their mother. Forcing me into a role that I am not designed for in my life. Driving me into isolation and making me feel more unqualified as a human than I had ever felt before in my life. Why would a loving God choose this way for me and how could it ever be considered kindness in my heart and mind… Here I sat in God’s word wrestling with such little words. ALL, KIND, RIGHTEOUS…

         The word ALL is such an absolute word it is impossible for my mind to comprehend. We want to use it to describe things, but we fail to be able to adequately utilize its power. I wanted to know how, why, and in what ways was the depths of my anguish considered kind? It seemed an impossible task for my mind to wrap itself around. Likely for you, it seems like the hurt within you does not feel like kindness from the Lord. The pain or anguish is just too much for you to reconcile in your mind and heart right now. Please know that this is completely okay.

         It is okay to wrestle with scripture and ponder on it for a long time in our lives. Being real with the Lord is one of the most powerful tools we have in our relationship with Him. This is where I found myself on my journey through brokenness. I struggled to agree with such simple words. I believe the bible to be truth, but do I really accept such words? Do I really accept that my situation was the kindness of the Lord in my life?

         Yes, my wife’s ultimate healing in eternity secured was kindness for her, but for the girls and I, it felt Unkind… Uncompassionate... Unbenevolent… Were my feelings telling me the truth?

I spent a couple months wrestling with this as the Lord continued to work on me and renew my mind in Him. I am stubborn! As I was born with a generational stubbornness, I refused to give up and submit to this scripture. You are encouraged to go and read all of Psalm 145 this morning, as it is very powerful. As you read it all, know it is okay in whatever you are facing right now to feel all the things. However, also understand that your feelings are not necessarily truth, but an indication of where you are in your walk WITH Jesus.

Dear Heavenly Father,

         Thank You for the truth of our relationship together, that we can wrestle with each other and work out what I really believe in You. Lord, I have so much hurt in my heart right now, I am struggling to see Your kindness and compassion in my situations and circumstances. My past is riddled with so many issues and failings of my expectations not being met, within myself and within others. The completeness of You in my life feels broken. I do not understand all these things and more. Lord it is my desire to question everything. But Lord, I want to honor You too. I want to find You and be in Your presence. I want to be in Your will for my life. I want to see Your goodness surrounding me. I want to be in Your light and Your truth, but my feelings and hurts are so limiting to me. My heart feels broken.

         Will You begin the process of restoring my heart, Lord. Will you write Your Word and law on my heart. Help me see Your glory and beauty saturating my life and guide me to the healing I desperately need, so that I may be found in Your will. Jesus, I know You died for me to save me from my own sin nature and You have forgiven me. Will you guide me through my brokenness and restore me. Thank You Jesus for the work you are doing. I trust in Your authority. Amen.

Remember- God’s word isn’t always a feel-good experience. It is meant to challenge us and break us. It is okay to work these things out over time. We are only dust and ash in His hands… made for beautiful purposes…

Day 25: God breaks us purposely.

Isaiah 30:26 NASB

'And the light of the full moon will be like the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven days, on the day the Lord binds up the fracture of His people and heals the wound He has inflicted.'

         Some people suggest that only our sin nature is what causes us pain or inflicts harm in our lives. This is not a biblical idea. We are going to see through scripture that God is a god of wrath and discipline. Some things simply do not make sense in our limited understanding in the moments of trials and tribulations.

         This is where there is a difference between trials and tribulations, and understanding the difference is important. Trials are the day-to-day struggles that we face through general adversity. It is like working out to get stronger through repeated activities. Like tearing the muscle, a little each day to make it bigger and stronger. Whereas tribulation is something that takes significantly longer to recover from, like a broken bone.

         In this scripture we see that God is communicating hope through Isaiah and instructing His people. Light is truth and a guide in our lives. Understanding the truth of scripture and the true nature of God is beyond important for us to find the healing that only God can bring. This notion of light and truth being aspects of our God is found throughout all of scripture. Upon accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, we become bearers of the Light of Christ in this world.

Ephesians 5:8 NASB

for you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord; walk as children of light

1 Thessalonians 5:5 NASB

for you are all sons of light and sons of day. We are not of night nor of darkness;

John 12:36 NASB

While you have the Light, believe in the Light, so that you may become sons of Light.” These things Jesus proclaimed, and He went away and hid Himself from them.

Ephesians 5:8-10 NASB

'for you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord; walk as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness, and truth), as you try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. '

         Each of these scriptures are meant to show you the truth of Light. We are constantly learning what is pleasing to the Lord as we navigate this life, but in understanding our brokenness, we must be exposed to the Light of our Lord and the truth of the scripture. Isaiah 30:26 ends with the phrase “the Lord binds up the fracture of His people and heals the wound He has inflicted.” This clearly states that God breaks us.

         God broke me by taking my bride away, it had nothing to do with sin. Now, He also LET ME lead myself into isolation. He did all these things for a purpose, to expose me to the LIGHT and TRUTH of His Word! So that He could bind up my fractures and heal the wounds that He inflicted upon me.

         He is doing the same for you. However, without honesty, seeking a relationship with Him, exposing yourself to the truth of scripture, and allowing Jesus to heal you through the Light of Truth. You are delaying the peace and healing that you desperately desire in all the tribulations you have faced in life. You are welcome to be mad at God for various things that have happened throughout your life, or you can start working through it all with Him and begin to see it all in a different light. While you may never fully understand at this level of creation, you can still find the healing that will only come through the Light of Truth.

Dear Heavenly Father,

         Thank You for these scriptures. Your Light of Truth is incredible. Trying to wrap my mind and heart around these scriptures is daunting. I am not sure I will ever fully understand Your Light, but I desire the healing that You promise in Isaiah. I want You to heal my fractures and mend the wounds that You have inflicted upon me. I trust that You had a purpose in them, although I do not like it, it must be for something better. I also desire to heal the wounds I have inflicted upon myself and others. Lord, allow the Truth of Your Word to become a lamp unto my feet and guide me on the path of restoration in Your Kingdom. Then allow me the ability to help others see the Light of Truth in their lives. Thank You Jesus, for making all this possible! Amen.

Day 26: Obstinance...

Isaiah 31:6

'Return to Him against whom you have been profoundly obstinate, you sons of Israel. '

         Stubborn. Obstinate. Profoundly stubborn. Profoundly obstinate. I believe that sums up some of the adjectives my mom would likely use to describe me, likely, both of her sons... I grew up in a home that worked hard and often played harder.

         We were a fiercely independent family that often took care of all those around us and very rarely, if ever, asked for help ourselves. No matter what, we were instructed to pull ourself up and keep going. While God was mentioned from time to time in my home growing up, we hardly ever went to church. The few exceptions were when our grandfather would take us to church while we stayed with him.

         Why does this matter? For you it might not, but I can speak to the persistent nature in which I was trained and how it led me to deeper hurt in my life. You see, I was taught from a young age not to ask for help, which eventually led me to a place where I had only one choice. I had to return to Jesus. I accepted Jesus as my Lord at the age of 17 in the driveway of our High School football coach during an FCA gathering. I challenged my family from that point forward with the notion of going to church and ultimately, I made my faith my own and sought the Lord on my own terms, including going to church without my family.

         Fast forward to today, even though I had walked with Jesus for over 20 years, I found myself being obstinate and not asking for help. It was all built around the way I was trained from a young age. Even when I was 10, I refused and was stubborn, this became evident my first year in 5th grade. As I refused to do anything. There was a lot behind this refusal now looking back on it with clarity, but the truth was, I was a very difficult and strong-willed child. There is profound truth in the only scripture ever displayed in my house growing up as it has become beyond evident in my life. That is Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child the way he shall go and when he is old, he shall not depart from it.”

         I did not depart from the obstinate strong-willed nature of my training, even as an adult. This served my children well after their mom was called back to heaven but left me in a place where I was isolated and alone. Opposing submission to the Lord and refusing to ask or accept help from others. This led me to a place where I had but one choice, while I had always followed the Lord and operated out of a place of deep belief, I had to submit myself fully to Jesus and do some things that were different. This is what has led to what you are reading today.

         The difference was in when, where, and how I learned to pursue through submitting my obstinance by returning fully to the Lord Jesus. After significant time working through this process, have I begun to find the deep healing necessary and the ability to ask and receive help from others.

         We all rebel against the Lord. All that Jesus wants us to do is to return to Him and it allow Him to complete the work that He has started. This process takes a willingness to return to Him over, over, and over again. We must turn our obstinance into a tool to faithfully pursue Him within our lives. So, if you have not found a place to meet Him in the quiet of your morning, it is past time for you to do so.

         Why would you not go to an inner room and close the door behind you? Jesus said that there is a reward for what is done in secret… Why would you fight against it, as in thinking it does not matter where you are, is this not obstinate? If it did not matter, why would Jesus tell that to a 1st century church, where they had limited rooms in their house designs? It is such a simple thing, as much of scripture is, but isn’t it funny, how we choose our own stubborn nature instead of simply following the things outlined by scripture? – No, it isn’t funny at all, maybe we should consider DOING it… putting our faith to the fullness of our belief and practice. If you have carved out a spot- I am proud of you! If not, get after it… Stop making excuses, like I did for over twenty years. I am so much better for putting my faith into the fullness of practice.

Dear Heavenly Father,

         Thank You for granting me the ability to come to You despite my own stubbornness. Jesus, I have made things about myself too many times in my life. Lord, I see that Your Word has instructions for me, and I have still refused to submit to Your will. I ask You to help me be in Your will, yet I am beginning to see where I have not even sought You or submitted to Your will in my life. How much could I expect from You, when I am not even willing to do small things, that You instructed me to do. Thank You for the forgiveness You granted on the cross when You died for me to be able to approach You. Jesus, You are worthy of all praise and my submission. Lord, I know there is victory in the surrender. In Jesus name, Amen.

Something ironic but honest- I refused to write this devotion for at least two days... Lord please help me submit to Your will, not mine.

Day 27: The power of a song…

Colossians 3:16

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.”

Ephesians 5:18-19

“And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart…”

         A single song helped me heal and understand all that I am sharing with you… Here are the lyrics:

I used to be a broken man

Stubborn pride, I couldn't understand

Many nights without a clue where to go

It took a while to come back home

I used to have a bitter heart

Disappointed when it tore apart

Running circles in my head all alone

The product of an empty soul

By grace I was saved through my faith

When I gave it all up to the one above

Awake, my salvation my strength

There ain't nothing compared to his holy love

Oh I’m grateful for the day

When I decided to pray

Gave all my worries away

My Lord provided the way

So I'll sing a song of praise

For all the righteous the brave

No longer living in shame

My lord provided the way

Are you feeling alone

Scared of leaving the room

Disappointed and angry

And feeling confused

Are you weak in your faith

Cuz you can't take the truth

Or did someone’s hypocrisy

Make for excuse

When the weight of the world

Seems to pull you behind

And your thoughts overgrow

Flooding all thru your mind

Does it scare you to think

That you're not in control

What if I told you just how

To let it all go?

By grace I was saved through my faith

When I gave it all up to the one above

Awake, my salvation my strength

There ain't nothing compared to his holy love

Oh I’m grateful for the day

When I decided to pray

Gave all my worries away

My Lord provided the way

So I'll sing a song of praise

For all the righteous the brave

No longer living in shame

My lord provided the way

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Samuel Lopez

My Lord Provided lyrics © O/B/O DistroKid, Sentric Music

         Songs have so much power over our lives. When my wife passed, I had the most difficult time waking up and her not being by my side. It was such a fresh reminder of the grief I faced each day, and it was not allowing me to start my day off in a positive way. I made a simple change; I set my alarm clock to go off with praise and worship playlist. Our modern era is incredible in that starting my day off hearing a praise and worship song began to help me get through the sting of grief every morning.

         This made significant difference in my life and led me to the song I shared. My Lord provided healing. I USED TO BE a broken man, stubborn pride I couldn’t understand… the deep and profound truths expressed through this song, there isn’t a day that I do not hear it… it has become my most played song in Spotify.

         There is significant power in what we allow into our minds and hearts first thing in the morning, throughout the day, and as we go to sleep. Our subconscious can be filled with up-lifting things, or torn down, simply by the music we listen to on a regular basis. Being thankful is still the key behind both of these verses and the songs that we should lift ourselves and others up with in our lives.

Dear Heavenly Father,

         I am thankful for another day in Your Kingdom. I am thankful for the things that I listen to each day. I did not realize the power behind what comes into my mind throughout the day. Lord, may what I hear be honoring to You. Allow the things that are intercepted by my mind and heart speak to Your goodness and grace. Grant me the ability to shift my taste in what I listen to become more pleasing in Your sight Jesus. Thank You for slowly aligning my life to Your will through the time I spend with You. Thank You Jesus. Amen.

Day 28: Time to revisit…

Psalm 19:14 NASB2020

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.

         For the last seven days you have had a challenge… I know, likely when you read this, you got frustrated because you have likely forgotten about the daily challenge. It is okay. Grace abounds. If you are still reading at this point you must realize that God is helping you overcome so much, it all almost feels impossible.

         There is significant beauty found in the feeling of impossible. There is a phrase within impossible that many of you have likely seen, I’Mpossible. I AM POSSIBLE. While that may seem cliché and worldly, it should remind you of other scriptures.

John 8:12 NASB

'Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, “I am the Light of the world; the one who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life.” '

John 9:5 NASB

'While I am in the world, I am the Light of the world.” '

Exodus 3:14 NLT

'God replied to Moses, “I Am Who I Am. Say this to the people of Israel: I Am has sent me to you.” '

Isaiah 43:11 NLT

'I, yes I, am the Lord, and there is no other Savior. '

         So, why all the focus on God saying I am with the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart scripture? Well, a simple really, God’s power is revealed in our understanding of His truth and possibility revealed in our lives. Understanding that the Lord IS, which means He IS with us at all times is huge in our understanding of His will for our lives and in our brokenness. We are never apart from Him. Psalm 139 leads us to understand that we are never hidden from God, but He hides Himself from us at times.

Dear Heavenly Father,

         Thank You for another opportunity to try again through Your grace in my life. May I always operate out of Your grace. Lord, what we say and believe matters in the Kingdom of God. Understanding that YOU ARE the I AM, and that YOU ARE always with us makes this scripture beyond relevant to our daily lives. May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in Your Sight Lord. My Rock, My Redeemer. Where can I go to hide from You Lord, nowhere. So, Lord, help guide my heart and mind to meditate day and night upon Your grace, mercy, and directions in my life. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Day 29: Moldable Clay...

Jeremiah 18:1-12 NLT

'The Lord gave another message to Jeremiah. He said, “Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there.” So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel. But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so he crushed it into a lump of clay again and started over. Then the Lord gave me this message: “O Israel, can I not do to you as this potter has done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand.

If I announce that a certain nation or kingdom is to be uprooted, torn down, and destroyed, but then that nation renounces its evil ways, I will not destroy it as I had planned. And if I announce that I will plant and build up a certain nation or kingdom, but then that nation turns to evil and refuses to obey me, I will not bless it as I said I would. “Therefore, Jeremiah, go and warn all Judah and Jerusalem. Say to them, ‘This is what the Lord says: I am planning disaster for you instead of good. So turn from your evil ways, each of you, and do what is right.’” But the people replied, “Don’t waste your breath. We will continue to live as we want to, stubbornly following our own evil desires.” '

         In trying to understand my own brokenness, I continued reading. This is where I came across this particular scripture, and it truly began to make sense to my mind. While I did not have evil desires as God had replaced my sinful heart many years before and was working with refining me through years of following him, I was still very stubborn in how I was choosing to live my life in my brokenness. I was struggling to come to terms with the notion that a loving God had took my bride away.

         It did not feel very loving. It did not feel very kind. Life was particularly harder than necessary for me. In training up two girls- trust me, I have encountered things that are not even within a normal man’s scope of understanding- much less required for him to attempt to teach a young lady. Therefore, every day, while I struggled to comprehend, my feelings continued to betray truth, which led me to isolate myself.

         Coming across this scripture was the point in which I began to understand the nature of a truly loving God. He desired me at a different level than what I was operating at the time. He desired my heart to change. I was the lump of clay in His hands that He decided needed to change. Part of that change was to remove half of my soul from me and return me to total dependence upon Him. It still sounds unloving…unfair…unkind… but God had other plans for the entire process.

         This is where God began shaping the ability to see that even in my most broken of moments, with trust, and asking God to reveal His beauty, that life can become radically different. Brokenness serves a deeper purpose than we can possibly imagine. It is through the suffering that God began remaking my heart and mind. It took me through a refinement period that truly changed me into a better version of myself and taught me the importance of perspective shifts; while simultaneously working through so much of why I was doing the things I was doing. It brought me to a place of healing that counseling would only scratch at the surface of, ultimately failing to unveil the truth behind my actions. One day soon we shall learn of a concept called double loop learning… as it helps us understand the nature of our own humanity.

         So, in understanding that I was clay in the Potter’s hands, I had but one response, be moldable. My ability to change my response and not react in my feelings was key to beginning the healing process of the brokenness within me. God wanted all of me. He wants all of you too. Because He desires to help you see His beauty, sometimes He must break us open to let His light into the darkest parts of our hearts, so that what was once in darkness can become light… Ephesians 5:8-13

Dear Holy Father,

         Thank You for being the ultimate Potter. One that examines the very hearts of Your creations and sees all that You desire for us to become. Thank You for using my life to honor Your desires. Lord, You have broken me. I acknowledge that not everything has to do with my sin nature, but sometimes brokenness can come through Your loving desire to mold me to Your will and design me with unique purposes that I do not always see. Jesus, may I trust the process of brokenness. I do NOT like it, but I WILL trust in You and that in my brokenness, I am ultimately in Your will for my life. May Your light shine on the darkest parts of my life and bring those parts of who I am into the truth of Your Word. Thank You Jesus. Amen. 

Day 30: my heart is willing, but my spirit is weak…

Matthew 26:41 NLT
Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!”

         Thirty days into this process you are either creating a new habit of getting up early and spending time with the Lord, or you are battling your body’s desire to continue sleeping. You could be up and in your inner room and dozing off… Well thank God for grace.

         Sometimes it is about our actions, not just our intentions. These ideas represent two different things. Actions are direct results of something being done. Whereas intentions are something I want to do, or a desired outcome of an action. One must be intentional in their purpose, but if intention leads to no action, then it renders the intention useless. This can be particularly interesting in our walk with Jesus.

         In this scripture, we see the actions of the disciples. They were asked to pray over Jesus and what was about to take place, which was His crucifixion. When Jesus returned to them, He saw that they had fallen asleep. This observation is noted in our scriptures for a direct reason. Think about it for a moment. Jesus- being God- was not just making an excuse for His disciples, He was acknowledging the limitations of our fleshly existence.

         There have been many times where I have gotten up to spend time in my inner room where my flesh wanted to doze off and sleep. This is where I choose a different path. I had to learn how to make myself uncomfortable to become comfortable with the Lord. I found that I needed to be close to the floor, like sitting on the floor. My hard concrete floor…

         I had to get uncomfortable to be comfortable with Jesus. I had to sacrifice my comfort… I know what you are thinking… REALLY… do I have too? I’m not saying that your comfort isn’t important, I am just asking you about the actual literal truth in our actions instead of our intentions. Which is more important? Let’s use scripture to test this idea.

         Go read Luke 12:35-48, it starts off saying, “Be prepared, and keep your lamps lit.” Also read Matthew 25:1-13 about the Virgins and the lamp oil, notice how they ALL fell asleep, but some were more prepared in their actions, not just the intentions:

“Then the kingdom of heaven will be comparable to ten virgins, who took their lamps and went out to meet the groom. 2 Five of them were foolish, and five were prudent. 3 For when the foolish took their lamps, they did not take extra oil with them; 4 but the prudent ones took oil in flasks with their lamps. 5 Now while the groom was delaying, they all became drowsy and began to sleep. 6 But at midnight [a]there finally was a shout: ‘Behold, the groom! Come out to meet him.’ 7 Then all those virgins got up and trimmed their lamps. 8 But the foolish virgins said to the prudent ones, ‘Give us some of your oil, because our lamps are going out.’ 9 However, the prudent ones answered, ‘No, there most certainly would not be enough for us and you too; go instead to the merchants and buy some for yourselves.’ 10 But while they were [b]on their way to buy the oil, the groom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the wedding feast; and the door was shut. 11 Yet later, the other virgins also came, saying, ‘Lord, lord, open up for us.’ 12 But he answered, ‘Truly I say to you, I do not know you.’ 13 Be on the alert then, because you do not know the day nor the hour.

         It isn’t necessarily about falling asleep or battling against our flesh. We have a God that clearly understands the limitations of our flesh. He has grace in these situations, but it is about our intentions leading to the actions of preparedness in the eyes of the Lord. Therefore, even if you are working hard and pressing forward in your actions, when the Lord returns, you are always ready for Him. Even if you have fallen asleep, you may have already prepared enough through wisdom and action that you are ready to go at a moment’s notice. This is the sacrifice that Jesus ask us for, that we would be prepared through our actions to honor Him.

Dear Heavenly Father,

         Thank You for the grace that You have given to us on the cross. You have supplied us with more grace than we could possibly imagine needing in our lives. Today, I am thankful for Your compassion and knowledge that our flesh is truly weak at times. You understand that it is a battle for us to get up and pursue You and Your will for our lives. I pray that You not only see my intentions, but that You would see action to my intentions. Lord, I want to be ready for You at a moment’s notice. I want to be on watch and keep praying to You. Thank You Jesus for understanding how You formed us. Please help my intentions meet my actions and help my body be ready and presentable as a living sacrifice, so that I may be transformed by the renewing of my mind through Your Word. In Jesus Christ Name, Amen.

Day 31: Let go…

Psalm 62:8 NASB

'Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your hearts before Him; God is a refuge for us. Selah '

         Let it go, just let it all go. Easy to say, hard to do. Or is it? Letting go is one of the most powerful opportunities to demonstrate our faith in Jesus, letting go demonstrates our trust in Him more than anything else we have in our walk. Trust is the essential action behind faith.

         Faith is placing our hope or belief in something, generally greater than ourselves and often unseen. This is credited to us as one of our greatest blessings according to Jesus Himself in John 20:29. Faith is more readily available than you probably realize. Faith in action is demonstrated through the word trust. It is one thing to claim a belief in something, but it is another thing altogether to allow ourselves to trust in what we claim to believe.

         This scripture is powerful in its own right, but when paired with the context of the Psalm it becomes easier for us to understand this command to always trust in Him.

Psalm 62:5-8

My soul, wait in silence for God alone, For my hope is from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, My refuge; I will not be shaken. My salvation and my glory rest on God; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your hearts before Him; God is a refuge for us. Selah '

As always, it is suggested that you read the entire Psalm for full contextual understanding, but it is very interesting how the overall end of the Psalm connects to the idea presented in that trust is the action of our faith and it is what God sees and desires to reward us for in our lives. The last verse of Psalm 62:12 “'And faithfulness is Yours, Lord, For You reward a person according to his work.'”

         So, letting go, just letting it all go, is a part of that work. If God is the only source of ultimate healing, you really have no choice but to let it all go. BUT HOW?!? Our souls must wait in silence for God alone…and we must pour out our hearts to Him in our refuge…

         Being still, emptying our hearts, meeting Him in the morning before our minds are a mess, seeking the refuge of an inner room, all of these serve as ACTIONS demonstrating our TRUST in Jesus Christ. Our Faith is belief in the unseen, and our trust is the active process of letting go and letting God. Holding on to your brokenness is only hurting you more, being mad at God is only hindering your growth, withholding forgiveness is stifling your ability to be heard by the Creator, and refusal to do some simple things - misalign your will to your Father’s will.

Dear Faithful Father,

         Father, thank You for perspective. Thank you for being my refuge in times of desperate need. Thank You for the command to be in silent and allowing me to pour out my heart to You daily. Let my trust in You be demonstrated by doing what Your word commands me to do. May my practices of pursuing You become as natural as breathing in my daily walk. Jesus, You have been so faithful to me. I praise You for all that You are, my rock, my salvation, and I will not be shaken when I trust in You Lord. In Jesus name I pray, Amen. 

Brokenness is never easy. Allow yourself the freedom to let go. Write it all down and truly let God in the silent places that you are avoiding... because of the hurt. Too many people I know cannot sit in silence, because they cannot silence their minds and hearts. In that silence- that is where you begin to just talk to God and pour yourself out. Tell Jesus about all that noise in your mind and heart. If it takes an hour, good; a couple hours, fine; a couple days, great; a couple of months, whatever it takes, just DO it... 

Day 32: Overconfidence

1 Corinthians 10:12 NLT

“'If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall.”

Proverbs 16:18 NLT

Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall.

Galatians 6:3-5

'If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.

         Overconfidence in times of brokenness is where many men tend to find themselves. They take pride in their own ability to carry everything on their own shoulders. They struggle to ask for help and when they do it is taken as a sign of weakness. Much in the same way, women bear these burdens differently, for instance they never feel like they are enough. The day-to-day struggle of all the things that “need” to be done overwhelm their minds to the point where we have more Martha’s than Mary’s in our daily walks.

         Everyone’s hard is hard. This is a truth; however, so is the fact that some people have had significantly harder things that have happened to them in this life. Both can be true at the same time. Yet, in our own brokenness we like to think that no one sees us, or that we are all alone in our struggle. We must begin to understand that when we are broken, we must learn how to trust in the Lord, let go, and then allow others into our lives in such a way that our brokenness stops having power over our lives.

         Yet, there is a barrier that many of us have regardless of gender or age, our own pride. Call it ego, arrogance, pride, or vanity, they all prevent us from the healing that God would have for us. When we deceive ourselves into thinking we can do things on our own, we often find ourselves feeling isolated and alone, imagine that… God’s Word offers counter advice to doing things alone all throughout scripture. We are to confess our sins to one another, carry each other’s burdens, lift each other up, and encourage one another daily.

         When we find ourselves in brokenness, we must first confess these things to Jesus an invite Him in to begin the healing process. Then we must find some trusted individuals and confess to them what is really going on and invite them to help hold us accountable to God’s Word and His truths. You must have both of these actions as a part of trusting God with what is going on in your life. When you trust this process, healing will come. It may take a while, but it will come because of the promises that God has shared with us in this life.

Dear Faithful Father,

         Thank You for meeting me this morning. I feel seen and exposed in that my own pride, ego, whatever we want to call it, has been withholding healing for my brokenness. Jesus, please show me how to extend Your grace to myself. Lord, I may be quick to forgive others, but I am struggling to forgive myself for the brokenness within me. I know I need to pour all of this out on You, but I don’t know if I will be able to function with the weight of all that I have hidden from others in this world. I am fearful of my own self in that I cannot handle it, Lord. Yet, I am thankful all the same that You are telling me that I can trust You in this process. So, Lord, may I honor Your Word and fully trust in You. May the healing I so desperately need come. Please reveal those around me that I may be able to trust to share these burdens with that will help guide me in the truth of Your Word. Father, I trust in Your provision, as You sent Yourself in the form of Jesus to secure eternity with me. I know You can heal my heart, please do so in Jesus Christ authority and power alone. Amen.    

         There is another resource that you may need to help process the depths of your brokenness, counseling. I have sought out counseling, and it is a worthwhile endeavor for a time. If the counselor is not anchored in God’s Word, it can be counterproductive.  I recommend you find a good Biblical based counseling program if there is one in your area. If not, pray that God would reveal a mentor in your life to help guide you along this road of life. God will provide all that you need in Jesus! 

Day 33: Everything has Purpose

Romans 9:19-23 NLT

Well then, you might say, “Why does God blame people for not responding? Haven’t they simply done what he makes them do?” No, don’t say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, “Why have you made me like this?” When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn’t he have a right to use the same lump of clay to make one jar for decoration and another to throw garbage into? In the same way, even though God has the right to show his anger and his power, he is very patient with those on whom his anger falls, who are destined for destruction. He does this to make the riches of his glory shine even brighter on those to whom he shows mercy, who were prepared in advance for glory.

         When we find ourselves in the middle of breakdown, we often want to know why. This is not in itself a bad notion; however, it can feel like there is no purpose in the brokenness other than pain. The truth of God’s word offers a completely different purpose for us if we will allow our minds to process our brokenness through the lens of scripture.

         Asking God questions is a great practice, but do not always expect the answers you desire. Many times, His answers are so much more than we can possibly comprehend. Plus, consider how much you talk to Him and probably don’t give time for yourself to sit and listen to His responses. A better practice is to ask the questions, but to praise Him for what He is going to do in your brokenness. We need to realize that we do not have to see the outcome of a situation to praise Him for what He is doing through the situation.

         If we consider these verses in context with Jeremiah 18:1-12, we see a God that is willing to break us to remake us according to His purposes. Therefore, brokenness has purpose far beyond anything that we are capable of seeing in the moment. We must allow the truth of scripture to inform our minds and hearts that there is significant purpose in each moment of pain, every situation of difficulty, and each suffering we must endure. Each of these situations serves as proving ground for our faith. Brokenness is meant for such higher purposes than we can feel…consider these:

1 Peter 1:7:

"that the testing of your faith—which is more precious than gold, though it is purified by fire—may result in praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed".

James 1:3-4:

"because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything".

Proverbs 17:3:

"The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, and the Lord tests hearts".

Deuteronomy 8:2:

"And you shall remember that the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not".

Will you allow the brokenness in your life to become a proving ground for your faith in Jesus Christ? It is designed for a purpose that we may never fully understand, but it is meant for our good. Can you believe the truth presented in scripture and begin the process of letting go and allowing Jesus to heal you?

Dear Lifegiving Father,

         Thank You for the perspective of brokenness that has purpose. I have sat in my own hurt for too long Lord. I need Your truths to help guide me and restore my heart. Lord, I know You have purposely designed each aspect of my life to make me into something better for Your Kingdom. You even take my own ability to destroy and can turn it into goodness. I am amazed at Your power. Father, today I want to praise You for what You are going to do in my future to help me align my will to Yours. I trust You know what You are doing. Jesus, begin to reveal Your beauty in showing me how You are ready to bring Your healing to my life. Thank You for breaking me today for Your purposes. In Jesus name, Amen.

Day 34: Broken Ground

Isaiah 28:23-29 NLT

'Listen to me; listen, and pay close attention. Does a farmer always plow and never sow? Is he forever cultivating the soil and never planting? Does he not finally plant his seeds— black cumin, cumin, wheat, barley, and emmer wheat— each in its proper way, and each in its proper place? The farmer knows just what to do, for God has given him understanding. A heavy sledge is never used to thresh black cumin; rather, it is beaten with a light stick. A threshing wheel is never rolled on cumin; instead, it is beaten lightly with a flail. Grain for bread is easily crushed, so he doesn’t keep on pounding it. He threshes it under the wheels of a cart, but he doesn’t pulverize it. The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is a wonderful teacher, and he gives the farmer great wisdom.'

         The Lord’s wisdom far exceeds our own. You may be wondering how this scripture has anything to do with the theme of brokenness. It has everything to do with it! This scripture offers us so much hope when we seek to understand God’s purposes and will for our lives. Consider the farmer’s role as that of God’s in our lives for a moment.

         Does God always break us and never build us back up? Does he not give us the things we need for an abundant life in Him? Does He not equip each of us according to the purpose He has designed us to do, each in our own way? God knows exactly what He is doing. He does not need us to explain things to Him, nor does He need to explain things to us. He breaks us down in the way that is best for each of us. He understands each of us for the unique characteristics we all have and deals with us appropriately, just as a farmer would a particular crop. He grants us the ability to understand our purpose in His time.

         We are meant for so much more than we can possibly imagine. It took me 41 years to learn how to glimpse a sliver of my intended purpose. Which is more powerful than I could possibly imagine. I genuinely limit myself in so many ways. Whether that is through unbelief, a lack of faith, or simply being overly critical of myself, I am often my own worst critic. This is where I must allow grace to abound and to learn how to operate as the fruit of God’s labor, not my own.

         This is an interesting concept as it allows us the capacity to let go and allow God’s work to cultivate us into the abundance of fruit He desires to produce through us in our lives. We must realize that we are dust and ash in His hands and that it is only through Him that we have success in anything we do. He knows what He is doing, and we must submit to His will and see His glory and beauty at work all around us. This scripture is a direct metaphor for how God is breaking us, much in the same way a farmer breaks the ground to grow a new harvest, our brokenness is God’s cultivation of our will, which ultimately leads us to fruit in our lives.

Dear Faithful Father,

         Thank You for Your Word this morning. It is unique in how it offers me a different view of my brokenness. I understand it has a purpose for me beyond pain. Jesus, You desire me to produce an abundant harvest in my life for Your glory and beauty. You just desire me to submit to Your cultivation process. Your work is perfect, and it is meant for my good. I admit that I have a hard time seeing the good through all the pain, but I must acknowledge the truth of Your Word. You are allowing these hurts in my life to make me a sweeter fruit in Your eyes. Thank You for being the perfect Creator. Thank You for beginning to give me understanding of why I am broken. I see You working to heal my mind and transform me into an abundant harvest for You Jesus, Amen. 

Day 35: Appropriate fear rescues us from the net

Psalm 25:14-15 NASB

The secret of the Lord is for those who fear Him, And He will make them know His covenant. My eyes are continually toward the Lord, For He will rescue my feet from the net.

         Everyone wants to know the secret to a better life. Everyone wants to know how to move past certain things and find healing for themselves. Everyone wants to figure out how to make life easier and less burdensome. Everyone wants to gather in as much as possible, so we feel secure. Yet, we all turn to things of this world instead of turning to the truth.

         Here’s the secret, EVERYTHING we actually desire is found in the Lord and accessed through the appropriate reverence of Him. When we have an appropriate view of God, we desire to seek Him in the secret and hidden parts of our lives that we often ignore. We invite Him into the darkest parts of our minds and allow Him to begin to rewire our hearts and minds to focus on His truths. This is why it has been said that God gives us a soft heart, one which He will write His law upon, this is His covenant to us.  

         The interesting part from here is where this scripture takes us next. When we focus on the Lord and fix our eyes upon Him, we are looking for Him to rescue us from the things in this life that will ensnare us. Take a moment to notice the verbiage tenses here, as it is super important to deeper understanding.

         It says my eyes are CONTINUALLY toward the Lord. This speaks to the continuation of endurance; they don’t just focus on Him for a short period of time and then it is done. We are meant to focus on Him throughout everything we do. This is a present state of being in that we ARE continually fixing our eyes on Jesus.

         The next verbiage switch here is the future expectation, He WILL rescue my feet from the net. This expectation is something that is yet to happen in our lives. When we feel broken or full of hurt from whatever we are faced with, we must understand that rescue and restoration are a future byproduct of fixing our eyes on Jesus. The net is something that is passively, or actively, holding us back from the next thing.

         The net is that which traps us in our lives. It can be brokenness, failed relationships, trauma, basically anything that you are wrestling with on a regular basis that is holding you back. Most often it is our own selves, versus other people in our lives. We are our own worst enemy.

         So, for healing to come, or for life’s burdens to become lighter, we must focus on Jesus continually. Why else would Jesus himself claim in Matthew 11:28-30:

“Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is comfortable, and My burden is light.”

If you need rescue from the net that has you bound up, focus on Jesus daily, first thing, for the next few weeks and notice how the daily burdens of life start to feel lighter. Fix your eyes on Him by asking Him to reveal His beauty in EVERYTHING, and you will begin to see Him in so many things around you. Your heart will be encouraged and your mind renewed. Eventually, healing will come… as it is a future outcome of seeking the secrets of God through appropriate reverence and awe.

Dear Father in secret,

         Thank You for another opportunity to seek You in the secret places. Thank You for Your truths presented in today’s scripture. Thank You for placing Your truth in my heart and helping my mind focus on You through everything I do in my life. Help me continually seek to see You through what I choose to focus on in my life. I need to know You are with me in everything and everywhere I go. I admit, I often focus on You for moments of my day and take my eyes off You once I get going, yet I know You are with me. Thank You for keeping my feet from the nets that would continually hold me back and thank You for the healing that is coming. I praise You for Your wisdom and counsel in all that I do. Reveal Your beauty in the world around me, through my circumstances, and throughout my life. Thank You Jesus, amen.

Day 36: Do NOT Fear…

Isaiah 41:10 NASB

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will also help you, I will also uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

         This was my wife’s favorite verse in all of scripture. She truly anchored herself using this verse in her life. There was so much for her to be fearful about as she faced so many battles in the last few years of her life. Her cancer journey lasted in total about 27 months, but the thick of it for the last 17 months of her life.

         One of the most unique things about my wife’s calling into eternity is that she truly had no fear of death. We both worked hard to keep our minds renewed through God’s word daily, throughout every day in various ways, and would encourage one another through constant prayer. To give context, we faced an extremely rare highly aggressive incurable cancer during the time of Covid. We found out in the middle of chaos that was everyone’s life. Everything seemed like it was going to be an impossible task.

         We shared the news with our families as we processed it all, with a six- and nine-year-old in tow. Overall, within the final 17 months of my wife’s life, we faced 2 major eye surgeries, countless procedures, scans, blood workups, doctor’s visits, basically all the things that can overwhelm a family. At the same time through our journey, God uprooted my career and removed me from a community I dearly loved through a series of events that were professionally the most difficult I had every experienced as a public-school educator. This led me to the only time in my life where I can honestly say I was completely overwhelmed in moments of panic for a man that has a doctorate in strategic planning and leadership… my world, my dreams, my life was shattered right before my eyes and I felt like I had nothing I could do to make anything better. Everything was so far beyond my control…

         Needless to say, we had plenty to be broken and hurt over in our lives. Trauma was clearly living in our daily walk; we were facing the most difficult tribulation thus far in our marriage. When I was left standing considering all that we were facing, I realized the only thing we had within our control was simple, our response. So, I prayed. ALL THE TIME… pleading and begging for help. I even sought the Lord on the mountain top and in the wilderness…The good news: MY HELP CAME!!! In Jesus Christ.

         We were not afraid because we were strengthened by Jesus Himself. He walked with us through every moment. There are so many witnesses to what transpired during that time that can testify to the immense presence of the Holy Spirit! We were being held up by the righteous right hand of God Himself, and we preserved because of Jesus’ capacity to give us strength every day.

         The trauma and pain were always present, but they had no hold on us! We embraced death as an opportunity to love others and teach them about the love of God. I would constantly say and pray this to the Lord, “If God has called us into this, He will provide a way through this. And if He has call us to this; we will be the best at it, because we will honor the Lord.”

         God will strengthen you in ways you never imagined possible if you submit to Him and die to yourself daily. We DO NOT have to be afraid in our suffering or pain because God is with us and strengthening us. God does this for ALL of US that He loves.

Dear Strengthening Father,

         Thank You for the incredible strength You give to us in our times of trouble. You have commanded us not to be afraid, yet in my hurt, in my trouble, I find myself tempted to be afraid of the outcomes. The consequences of my actions are trying to dictate my responses to You Jesus. Jesus, I do not want to react to my situations anymore, I want to respond to them with praise for what and who You are in them. I do not want to be afraid. I want to know You and love others through my hurt and circumstances. Lord, I do not want my life to be merely about me, but about Your Kingdom and Your will for me. Honestly, I do not always know what that looks like so Father, teach me, show me, and search me - revealing Your Glory and Beauty in all that is around me. Thank You Jesus. Amen.  

Day 37: Where does my help come from?

Psalm 121:1-3 NASB

'I will raise my eyes to the mountains; From where will my help come? My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who watches over you will not slumber.’

         If you are anything like me, you rarely, if ever, ask for help. It is very much the way I was raised. We helped so many others and rarely asked for help ourselves. Which makes me love this verse even more, because I know help comes from the Lord! However, it is how the Lord sends that help that we need to become significantly more aware of in our lives.

         The Lord sends us help in all kinds of ways. Most often, we fail to see it because of what we choose to focus on in our lives that is going on at any moment. We miss multiple opportunities to accept the blessings that the Lord would bestow upon us because we are blind to His Kingdom working around us.

         Upon some of my most broken moments, help surrounded me, and I failed to see it, because it did not feel like help. I remember someone asking me a question I ended up wrestling with for about four months before I could answer it with any assurance that my answer was adequate. I was asked by someone that cared about me and desired to care for me, what in particular, made me feel cared for in my life? Not just cared about, but what were things that made me feel like someone was tending to me? At the time within my brokenness, this question did not feel helpful, it was more of a gut punch and made me significantly more uncomfortable in my brokenness.

         I did not have an answer because the last person to truly care for me in my eyes, was my bride, and she had been gone about 2.5 years. So, honestly, I did not have an answer, and I did not know what that should have looked like in my life. I struggled to make sense of this question. The originator of this question really wanted to know so they could meet some of those needs where they were appropriate for the relationship. All they wanted to do was give back to me but wanted to know how to do that in a significant way that meant more to me than a mere thank you.

         So, while this question and the positive intention behind it was incredibly painful in that moment, because it made me seriously think of all that I had lost, it was one of the ways the Lord was sending His help to me in my brokenness. I failed to fully see the beauty and the help that the Lord was sending in those moments because of my feelings. I pushed the question and the help the Lord was sending away as I struggled to answer it within my own heart.

         Ultimately, I answered the question to that person, but it took so much longer than I ever thought it would. It was truly a challenge and has become a significant part of my healing process. I created a list of the things that made me feel truly cared for in life, and the things that I found the most helpful. The Lord has blessed me in that work because now whenever something on that list happens, I know it is from the Lord, and my heart and soul feel lifted!

         You may be facing similar notions in your brokenness, and I encourage you to take some time and make a list of the things that mean the most to you that help you feel cared for in your life. This list will become a source of great amazement as the Lord reveals those things to you through the most random places and situations. Trust me in this process as it has become a constant reminder of the Lord’s lack of slumbering in that He is always faithful to send help!

Dear Life-giving Father,

         Thank You for Your help in our lives. Thank You for the Holy Spirit that Your word literately calls the Helper. Thank You for providing us help in all situations. Lord, I know I have not always seen what You are doing or acknowledged the help that You have sent my way, but Lord grant me the ability to ask for and receive the help in my life You desire me to have. I know I am not meant to do this life alone and I must always remember Your faithfulness to complete what You start. Thank You for giving me life! In Jesus Name, Amen. 

Day 38: Our great intercessor…

Romans 8:31-34 NIV

'What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. '

         Jesus Christ is the ONE who intercedes for us… He intercedes for us in ALL ways, and at ALL times. Wrapping our minds around this idea is difficult when we are hurting. I personally struggled with aspects of my brokenness and wrestled with God on aspects of His nature and intercession on my behalf. If God loved me, why did the rapture of half my soul and flesh happen the way it happened with my wife? Think about it, if two become one flesh; we learned throughout the 16 years of our marriage to truly compliment each other through prayer and petition; the aspect I still miss most about our marriage were my wife’s prayers, and God had removed that from me, would you not feel confused? In my mind, this felt incredibly contrary to a God that loves me and a God that would give us all things through Him.

         So, within my brokenness, I remember going for a long walk, listening to worship music, and laying it out to the Lord… THIS DOES NOT FEEL LIKE A LOVING GOD!!!

         Mind you, this was almost 3 years after my wife had passed. I was holding on to my brokenness like a baby yearns for the comfort of their favorite blanket or pacifier. I had grown to need it to keep people away, or at least at arms-distance. I did not realize it was a tool that I was leveraging so I would not have to deal with the emotional fallout of losing someone that close to me again… BUT God…

         Upon crying out to Jesus on that long walk, He met me there. He took my words and delivered them to that incredible part of Himself that led me to realize through His Holy Spirit that He is still a loving God, despite my hurt from Him… My brokenness was intentional… Just like His Brokenness was intentional…

         He knows… He knows… He knows your brokenness... Every aspect of your life, He knows… He knows, I trust… He knows, I am supposed to trust that He KNOWS… how else can He intercede on our behalf?

         If I were to give up that which I loved so dearly, which I did. I presented my bride up to Him, a part of my soul. On day, on that walk, and through that realness with Jesus, I was allowed to see that I had done the same thing He had done in a sense. He had given up a part of Himself for me… Jesus DIED FOR ME, separated HIMSELF from HIMSELF for ME… For my bride, and for YOU too…

         He knows… Only then did I begin to understand the depths of His love for me! It was in a deeper way than I had ever understood before in my walk with the Lord. He was interceding on my behalf and revealing to me that His love had no boundary that it would not cross. He wanted me to see Him in a new light. He wanted me to understand Him and His heart for His creation. He wanted me to also know that He desired to heal my brokenness, but He desired my whole heart and truth to be presented before Him first. I had to deal with myself appropriately with His help. I had to let go of my feelings and trust in HIM. He was greater than I…

Dear Heavenly Father,

         Your ways far exceed anything I can understand. Thank You for Your infinite grace and that Your love has no boundaries. Lord, I know You desire me to be real with You, but I know before I can truly be real with You, I need help being real with myself. I am hurting. Sometimes, I want to wallow in my pain because I am comfortable with it. I leverage it the wrong ways in my relationships. Lord help me understand that my pain and brokenness has a purpose beyond my comprehension and reveal the beauty found within it. Guide and direct my steps Jesus, lead me by still waters where I can sit with You in Your provision, and be at peace. In Jesus Christ Holy Name I pray, Amen.

Day 39: Grasping the light in our brokenness

John 1:3-5 NASB

'All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him not even one thing came into being that has come into being. In Him was life, and the life was the Light of mankind. And the Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not grasp it. '

         One of the hardest concepts for us to begin understanding is how the Light works in our lives. Light is truth and it illuminates that which is around us and within us. We must understand the truth and how that affects us in our day-to-day interactions in this world. Yet, we remain in the darkness until we confess that Jesus is Lord and that He died for our sins. Only then, through faith, do our hearts and minds become truly open to interpreting the truth found in the light.

         It says ALL things came into being through Him and that nothing has come into being without Him. This echoes the same truth found elsewhere in scripture such as Colossians 1:16-17, “For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.”

         Wrapping our brains and hearts around this ALL things part is the hardest part of understanding the light. God is not evil. Yet, He allows evil to persist in this world. Too many of us wrestle with this concept. Why would a benevolent God allow such evil to come into this world? Why would He allow so much pain and anguish? This is where in darkness, we do not understand the light. We must seek Him wholeheartedly to begin to understand how, why, where, and what of each moment.

         It was only in a deep pursuit of Jesus that I began to fully acknowledge God’s truths in my life. I had been living in the 359˚ of beauty for a while, but I did not understand the beauty found in my brokenness for the longest time. I could see God at work all around me; I could even pick out specific instances where I was encouraged by His beauty. Yet, I was failing to comprehend multiple aspects of what He was trying to reveal in my life. It was through the pursuit of seeing God’s beauty that I was driven into the depths of my brokenness. The more broken I became the more that the light was let into my life. My wounds were deeper than I even knew at the time and the truth of the light needed to penetrate deep into my soul to heal the most broken parts of who I was.

Dear Heavenly Father,

         Thank You for how Your light and truth penetrate deep into our souls and seeks out any darkness within us. You are a gracious Father that desires our obedience and disciplines us through our brokenness. You use what the enemy means for evil for our good. You are the greatest Healer in our lives, and I need to always turn to You in my life. I want to praise You for the healing You are leading me into as I discovery the truth found in Your word. May the work You have begun be perfected and completed in my life revealing Your glory and grace through my daily walk. Jesus, Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Day 40: Dealing with Anger

Ephesians 4:26-27

'“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. '

Proverbs 29:11

'Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back. '

         In my most broken season, I sought additional counseling beyond our church counselors. I wanted to find someone that could help me navigate the difficulty of the journey I was on. I had to be open to the concept of the healing I needed to find. I am a very difficult person to deal with, I know this can be an unfortunate truth. I have been given a gift in that my mind is very intuitive and knowledgeable about systems and the way they are designed. I am privileged to know much about the counseling world’s lingo and techniques. I have been a career educator seeking to understand my students for over twenty years and dealt with a wide variety of situations where I was required to be disciplinarian, but also counselor. I know this makes me a difficult person to counsel at best, but I wanted to see if there was more to be offered to me and remain open to the prospect that counseling could help.

         Unfortunately, while I have mentors in my life that work to provide me counsel and caution, I have struggled to find a better counselor than my inner room time with Jesus. I believe that counseling is helpful in situations, and I am a firm advocate of counseling where necessary and appropriate. However, it needs to be counseling that is going to push you forward in your journey to become healed. Many counselors make their living from perpetuating the process and refusing to ask the questions necessary to help their counselees move forward quickly. This is a double-edged sword in that they make money from the appointment calendar, and they need it to stay full all the time…

         Upon entering the counseling center and sitting down for the first time to discuss my issues, my counselor jumped to “why are you angry?” This was a very interesting take on my situation. I had not felt angry, at any point, at any moment in my walk with the Lord through presenting my bride to the Lord. I had known all along that it was more about God’s will than mine. The subsequent years since my wife had passed, I had not felt any anger at all. That must have meant I was in denial… or did it?

         This is where the world of counseling and the realities of our situations may not always align to God’s Word. I had delt with my anger almost 15 years prior to these experiences in my life. I remember the exact moment when I stopped choosing anger… Yes, I believe anger is a choice, and it isn’t ours to make. Scripture supports this idea in Proverbs 14:29: “Slowness to anger makes for deep understanding; a quick-tempered person stockpiles stupidity.” Also, in Romans 12:19, “Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord.”

         I asked myself, was I angry now and just hiding it? NO, not even a little bit. I have known and still know I am nothing but dust and ash. Anger is a choice that leads me to destruction. I had nothing to be angry about. My wife was in what I believed to be a better place, so how could I be angry about her being gone? I simply couldn’t because it has never aligned with my beliefs.

         I know what you are thinking, that’s good for you, but “What if I am angry about my brokenness, my situation, my pain, or my suffering?” This is a fair question. We all have different situations in our lives that come with an enormous amount of variability in our emotional states. To you, I would encourage to lay all your anger out at the feet of Jesus. Regardless of who you are angry at, or what you are angry with, most anger is an indication of our walk with Jesus. Are we close to Him, or are we offended by something within the situation? Most anger comes with someone offending us or breaking our trust…

         Anger will not serve your healing journey well. Regardless of what, the person, the situation you are in, the hurt you have gone through, everything can and will be used for God’s glory and beauty if you choose to bring it into the light. Which is why I am addressing anger now. Most people choose to remain angry when it is simply not appropriate in the context of their situation. Forgiveness is more appropriate than anger. Simply put, I am thankful that we serve a God that does not remain angry over my sin nature and has forgiven me, should I not be willing to do the same with others regardless of the situation or circumstance?  If you are angry, you need to tackle it head on before you can trust in the Lord for your healing. God will take care of those situations because He is a god of justice. He will even the scales when the time is right…

Dear Heavenly Father,

         Thank You for working with me in my anger. I know there is this righteous anger spoken of in Your word, and I acknowledge that You are advising me to be slow to anger, but it has been so hard Lord to trust in Your words. My anger is such a quick indicator of my walk with You. Lord, help me submit my anger to Your truth and Your word. Work with me to teach me how anger reveals my need to trust in Your provision more each day. Lord, help me learn how to forgive those who have made me angry. Lord, help me forgive myself as well. In Jesus Christ power, Amen.

         I want to note here that anger is an interesting topic that many struggle with in their lives. It is not easy to overcome, but with God’s help you absolutely can overcome it in your emotional responses. You may always have a flash of anger, but your response can be trained to prioritize God’s Word first. We have the power to choose; this was given to us by our Creator. In fact, He tells us what to choose:

Romans 12:19-21

'Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord . Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.” Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.'

Day 41: Restoring Joy

Psalm 51:12 NASB

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And sustain me with a willing spirit.

         Brokenness is not a fun experience no matter what. It is one of the most difficult parts of our walk with Jesus. Life is not easy, but it becomes easier with Jesus. Perspective shifting is the most powerful restoration tool in our toolbox, and it is found in the daily death of ourselves with the subsequent renewal of our minds through God’s Word. Both death and life must be a part of the daily process in your walk. Skip a day, okay, everyone needs grace but be careful not to allow one day to turn into two, then five, next thing you know it has been a month.

         This is where we must plead with the Lord to continue to strengthen our resolve and sustain us with a willing spirit. Notice the subtly of the word spirit in this Psalm. It is not speaking about the Holy Spirit, but it refers to our human spirit. Our spirit is moldable and needs sustainment as we navigate our lives. We must pray asking God to sustain us in both the good times and the bad. Otherwise, our relationship with Jesus can feel like a roller coaster, one moment we are walking on water and the next He is taking our hand and picking us up soaking wet.

         This is where the first part of this verse becomes important to us in the restoration of the JOY of our salvation. Even in the most broken moments we are walking with JOY. Peter explains this concept of having joy through trials best.

1 Peter 1:6-8 NLT

'So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. '

         Inexpressible Joy is the by-product of our faith regardless of our situation or circumstances. It is something that is always present even though we do not always feel it. The reason we don’t always feel it is because we often allow the trials and tribulations of this life take our focus off Jesus. This is where the joy we experience is deeper than an emotional response, it is a state of being. We are Joyful because of our salvation, which is not to be confused with the emotional response of happiness, an outward appearance that is often confused with joy.

         In my experience, I allowed myself to fall prey to the sin of self-reliance too much in my walk when I needed to allow others in to help me. A major reason that happened is because I did not want to be broken like I was ever again. If I kept people at a distance, I couldn’t be hurt this bad again…I allowed my own sin nature to drive my life instead of focusing on the Joy found in my salvation. My eternity was just as secure as it ever was, but I had shifted my focus to self-preservation and self-sustainment when I needed the Lord to sustain my spirit… I had to ask the Lord to restore my JOY and sustain my spirit, which I continue to do to this day.

Dear Sustaining Father,

         Thank You for Your grace this morning in Your Word. I truly need You to sustain within me a willing spirit. There are times where my flesh gets in my way, and my feelings overwhelm the Joy that You have so clearly given me in fixing my eternity with You. I need you to restore within me the Joy of Your salvation today. Help me cast off the sin that has so easily entangled me and grant me the willingness to share in my experiences so that I may find healing and restoration that You promise in Your Word. Thank You Jesus for dying to make all this possible in my life. Amen. 

Day 42: All is righteous, All is kind…

Psalm 145:17 NASB

The Lord is righteous in all His ways, And kind in all His works.

         Yes, my wife’s ultimate healing in eternity secured was kindness for her, but for the girls and I, it felt Unkind… Uncompassionate... Unbenevolent… Were my feelings telling me the truth? I left this question unanswered almost two weeks ago, because it did not feel like it was any sort of kindness from the Lord. Often our hurt and insecurities do not feel kind, but this is where kindness is often seen as just being nice to others; therefore, moments like my wife’s death does not feel kind for us.

         We must define kindness to begin to truly understand this verse. Kindness is considered an attribute of God and a fruit of the spirit. Some people ultimately believe that it is the attribute of God the led to our salvation, but it is more so based upon the generous and loving acts of direct compassion from the Lord. It is a tender, benevolent, and useful acting out of love and grace in our lives.

Yeah- but my brokenness did not feel kind… So, I wrestled with this for months. The pain of what my girls had lost still comes from times when they do not have a mother to share life with and seek out her comfort. How is that continual reminder of what they do not have considered kindness? It can be, if you allow God to heal your heart and renew your mind, but it takes full submittance to Him first.

         Like I said, I wrestled with this notion that ALL of God’s works were kind. What about murder, death, starvation, you know, all the bad things in this world. I mean, I knew God in my heart and believed in Him with everything I had, but I felt like all of this was simply against His nature. Much of it is against His nature, but all of these BAD things are the implications of living in a fallen world. Most of the bad things from this world are direct results of our humanity serving itself. The sin nature of man manifesting itself is evil in this world. However, in my situation, other than a broken creation, my wife’s body having such a rare form of cancer, it felt incredibly unkind.

         Yet, now, I consider it all a kindness from the Lord. How did I get to this point. First, I recognized that I have nothing to stand on in my relationship with Jesus. HE DID IT ALL. He was incredibly kind to save me from myself. Second, I am not to understand His ways, they are simply beyond anything I can fathom. Third, I told Him how I felt, then He granted me His Word to transform my mind. Which in turn, changed my feelings and anchored them in truth.

         Upon anchoring my heart and mind in truth, I began to understand that my wife’s healing through death was incredible kind of God to do. Furthermore, God has equipped to deal with the day-to-day struggles of single fatherhood, and all of this has been meant for my good, not to destroy me. It forced me to rely so heavily on God, that He has become my everything. I am such a better man for this incredibly unkind feeling journey, but now I consider it all kindness in that I see the beauty surrounding me ALL the time! My heart has been healed where God chose to break me. Now, God continues to use His story through our lives to impact others and reveal His Kingdom to them. To be used by the Lord in such a way, is incredibly humbling and drives me to seek Him more each day and share in His kindness and glorious riches through Jesus Christ!

         As far as my feelings about my girls and what they are missing are concerned, this is sometimes a struggle, but as dad/mom, they have most of every need met because the Lord still graciously provides for them. The Lord is continually blessing them through the process of learning about His nature. They are thriving because of God’s kindness and overwhelming compassion for them. Yes, they miss their mother, but they also have a depth and sweetness of relationship with Jesus that is unmatched in girls their ages. They stand as beacons of God’s grace, provision, and mercy despite the tragedy of living in a fallen and broken world.

         Because of all these things, I know God’s healing can come in your brokenness. It takes honesty, a wholehearted pursuit of Jesus, action in seeking Him in the morning, prayerfully considering all things, asking God for healing only He can provide, and seeking to see His beauty surrounding every moment. When you begin to live life daily this way, you embrace the full kindness of the Lord and understand that He is incredibly righteous in His works and kind in ALL His ways. He grants us the ability to no longer confuse God’s ways for man’s ways…

Dear Kind Father,

         Thank You for Your incredible kindness in my life. I do not always feel like what You choose to do in my life is kind. I often associate humanity’s failings as unkindness from You Jesus. I need to see You for how Your Word reveals Your nature in my life. I need the transformation that only comes from honestly seeking You.  I want healing from my brokenness, and I desire to see You restore my heart. I must trust in You Jesus to complete the work You have began in my life. Be quick Jesus, for I want to be used for Your Kingdom and for Your goodness. I submit my brokenness to You for Your will, please Father, use it for Your goodness, let it become beacon to someone else’s brokenness and call them home to You Jesus. In the name above all other names I pray to You Jesus, Amen.

Day 43: The day of my full restoration…

Philippians 4:4-5 NASB

'Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all people. The Lord is near.

Rejoice- again I say rejoice… My prayer being truly thankful for my brokenness.

I am going to share something deeply personal, but it isn’t meant to be mine alone… It is meant to share how the light can heal the most broken parts of our souls…I found myself writing this after about 6 months of adamant pursuit of Jesus in my inner room, which was 3 years after my wife was presented back to Jesus…

Father-

Thank You that You search our hearts and test our resolve. Thank You for breaking me. Thank You for removing Ashley from me. Thank You for taking friends away from me. Thank You for driving me into exile and forcing isolation upon me, so that I would seek You with every fiber within me. Thank You for binding up these fractures and remaking me as a man into something completely different. Thank You for the gift of 359˚ of Beauty. Thank You for the depths of healing that comes from your grace and mercy. Thank You for writing Your Word Jesus into my heart. Thank You for loving me better than I ever could. I love and trust You Lord Jesus! Amen.

         The depth and power of the healing I felt when I wrote this prayer was beyond anything I could ever express. It was the moment I truly let everything go. I was in complete disbelief at first, but I shared it with my closest friends. They joined me in praising the Lord for His work in my life.

         I am not telling you that you will experience healing in the same way, that is not feasible as we are all different. What I am telling you is that your brokenness has purpose beyond your limited understanding. Instead of questioning each part, why not embrace it with all you are and ask God to refine you through it. I did not understand why He chose to do all that He had done to me, and I still don’t. However, I am thankful for it all the same. God’s glory is continually being revealed daily in my life. It is beyond anything I could ever imagine.

         Seriously, I walk through every day with joy in watching the beauty being manifest around me in each moment and work to encourage everyone around me. I still have my feelings and react to them at times in human ways, but the truth of God is beyond evident! It surrounds me, everywhere I choose to look beyond my 1˚.

         It is my profound hope and prayer that through the work that God has called me to do, that just one soul would come into a depth of relationship with Him that would ignite a world of change in their family. Everything has purpose. EVERYTHING. When we bring the most broken parts of ourselves into the light, they become life giving light to those around us. We must allow God to continue the work He has called us into until the day He calls us home.

         My healing came through the adamant pursuit of Jesus in my inner room. Your healing will come at the perfect time. Jesus desires us to move beyond ourselves and become effective members of His church. In my healing, my tendencies for overthinking and self-reliance have been significantly moderated and I am just rejoicing in each day as it comes!

Dear Sustaining Father,

         Thank You for the healing that is coming in my life. You promise that this life will be hard for us at times. Your Word guides us to understand we will have trouble, but it also tells us to take heart, You have overcome the world. Lord, help me pursue You in my inner room until my time with You becomes a natural rhythm of my life. I desire healing and restoration. I know You have placed that as a part of my eternal life, but I also desire to be effective in my work to honor Your will. Thank You for what is coming. I trust Your ways, even when I do not understand them. Thank You for Jesus, Amen.